St Katharine'S School (Johannesburg)

Parktown, hey. So we are talking about one of those old Joburg suburbs where the houses look like they were built when Jan van Riebeeck was still doing renovations and everyone drives a Volvo to drop their kid off at the gate. St Katharine's sitting there with 178 learners like it is an exclusive dinner party where you need to know someone just to get a chair. One hundred and seventy eight kids. That is smaller than the queue at a Soweto KFC on a Friday night. But listen, 8.5 kids per teacher. Eight point five. Your teacher knows your name, your surname, your blood type, your WiFi password and exactly what you got wrong in your times tables in Grade 3. There is nowhere to hide. Forget sending a friend to say you are absent. That teacher will phone your mother before you even get back to your seat. Christian ethos on top of that, so when you try lie your way out of homework there is a whole extra layer of guilt involved. The school describes itself as a "fee-paying, non-boarding institution." Bro. Non-boarding. They had to write that down. As if someone was going to rock up with a suitcase and try sleep there. With 178 learners and 21 teachers watching your every move, honestly, going home might be the only escape you get. Overall verdict: St Katharine's is basically a very expensive, very Christian living room where everyone knows your business, but at least your kid will actually get attention.